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Hopelessly lost, the man pulled his car into an abandoned gas station in the desert and got out. The only creature there was an owl sitting on a cactus. “Owl, are you able to tell me the quickest way to town?” “Are you walking or driving?” asked the wise owl. “I’m driving.” “Well, that’s the quickest way.” .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... An accountant couldn’t get to sleep, so he tried counting sheep. But then he made a mistake and it took him all night to find it. ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................ Did you hear about the doctor who went on a ski trip and got lost on the slopes? He stamped out “help” in the snow, but nobody could read his writing. ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................... A man walks into a cardiologist’s office… Man: “Excuse me. Can you help me? I think I’m a moth.” Doctor: “You don’t need a cardiologist. You need a psychiatrist.” Man: “Yes, I know.” Doctor: “So why’d you come in here if you need a psychiatrist?” Man: “Well, the light was on.” .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Police are investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “It looks like he was killed with a golf gun,” one detective observes. “A golf gun?” asks his partner. “What in the world is a golf gun?” “I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.” .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... A pedestrian is hit by a bus on a busy city street. “Somebody get me a priest,” the man gasps. Out of the crowd steps an elderly man. “I’m not a priest,” he says. “I’m not even Catholic. But for 50 years I’ve lived behind St. Agnes Church, and every night I overhear their services. Maybe I can be of some comfort.” The man kneels down next to the victim and says in a solemn voice, “B-14, I-19, N-38, G-54, O-72.” ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Robbers broke into the Gap over the weekend. The suspects are described as being armed and casual. .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... A man walked into a doctor’s office. He had a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. “Doc, what’s wrong with me”? he asked. “That’s easy,” said the doctor. “You’re not eating properly.” .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... A man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change. .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... After Mozart passed away, the town drunk heard some strange noises coming from the grave site. Terrified, he ran and got the priest. He bent close to the headstone and heard some faint, unrecognizable music. The frightened priest got the town magistrate. He listened for a minute and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Mozart’s Ninth Symphony, being played backward. And there’s the Eighth…the Seventh…the Sixth…” Then he stood up and said, “Nothing to worry about. It’s just Mozart decomposing.” .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Two dogs were out for a walk. One dog says to the other, “Wait here a minute. I’ll be right back.” He walks across the street and sniffs a fire hydrant for about a minute, then rejoins his friend. “What was that all about?” the other dog asks. “Just checking my messages.” .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!” “Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked. “She’s having contractions, silly.” .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... A French poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is such a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd and I’m as nervous as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie. “I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.” .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... So a guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables hanging around his neck. The bartender gives him a look and says gruffly, “All right, pal, I’ll let you stay, but don’t start anything.” ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................... A suspect was arrested for beating a guy in a rice field with a small ceramic figurine. It’s the first case on record of a knick-knack paddy whack. ..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................
These jokes were gleaned from various issues of Reader’s Digest’s feature, “Laughter, The Best Medicine.”
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